Hello, new donor! On behalf of all of us here at GoFundMe headquarters, thank you so much for donating to this GoFundMe campaign. Generosity from our donors is truly the lifeblood of our humble crowdfunding website. That, and a solid stream of fundraiser creators who are later revealed to be big ol’ racists. We really wish this weren’t the case, but such is life.
Your donation will go toward helping fund the ambitious and optimistic vision of the soon-to-be-revealed racist behind this particular fundraising project. Each donation matters, no matter how large or small. The inevitable racist behind this campaign won’t care, they just want money. No matter the size of your donation, we guarantee you’ll still be haunted by a ceaseless sense of dread for accidentally giving your real-life money to a person who plays racist songs on the banjo and takes photos in front of confederate flags. You won’t be able to sleep because of it. We sure can’t!
Look, we get it. You were drawn in by the heartbreaking story behind this campaign. Your tears were real, so surely the fundraiser creator’s status as a non-racist was also real. How could you withhold money from this very worthy cause? Just like many other donors, you momentarily let your guard down and assumed the best of humanity. That was your fatal mistake. Humanity is inherently bad and evil. Although it’s difficult and unfair to generalize all of humankind, we at GoFundMe are very willing to do so. Each one of us is governed by evil and malice. God is dead.
Again, don’t feel too bad about any of this. There are countless others like you who took a sad story at face value. That’s natural when you don’t assume every single person in the world is a monster. You donated without considering the puppet master behind this fundraiser could very well be a comically racist Monopoly Man-looking segregationist. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.
Just last month we saw a fledgling GoFundMe page for an adorable puppy who needed an expensive emergency knee operation or else she would never walk again. We watched as donations poured in from all across the country. It was a story of empathy and the kindness of strangers, so it was quickly swept up and reported on by the national media. Who doesn’t love an adorable puppy? Cute puppies are basically all we can agree on as a civilization.
Well, feel free to add nazis to the list of people who love adorable puppies. After some Internet sleuths looked into the background of the person running the campaign, it became clear that Goebbels the bulldog’s owner was an extremely racist guy with an anti-Semitic tattoo on his head. Whoops. By that point, it was too late. The GoFundMe fundraiser had generated over $80,000 and was publicly supported by dog-loving celebrities such as Bruno Mars and Kristen Bell.
We’d love to tell you that all of our fundraiser pages are run by good, salt of the earth people who rely on the kindness of internet strangers to help them through a difficult time. But, that’s just not how things work here. Every single one of our campaigns, especially the ones that gain significant momentum and public support, are basically ticking time bombs—except instead of being filled with explosives, these bombs are filled with racism.
So once again, thank you for your donation. We ask that you please don’t search Google or Facebook for more information about the creator of the GoFundMe to which you donated. If you do, we promise you won’t like what you see.
Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.